


i was tired and you were standing in the best light

by keishn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pining Iwaizumi Hajime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 16:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13251666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keishn/pseuds/keishn
Summary: It's the time of year that the sun starts setting when they get out of practice. Looking at Oikawa with the pink-orange light reflected in his eyes and shining off his hair is not something Hajime thinks he can survive.In which Iwaizumi accidentally tells his best friend he's in love with him.





	i was tired and you were standing in the best light

**Author's Note:**

> yeah this was only supposed to be like 300 words but then i added context... uh....

It's lunchtime and Hajime is sitting with his fellow third years from the volleyball team as he wonders how his life has come to this. He blames the universe, karma, any gods that may be out there, and straight up statistical chance for his living a life that has ended up with his falling in love with Oikawa fucking Tooru, of all people. There are a lot of words Hajime could use to describe this turn of events: ridiculous, horrifying, nauseating, hopeless, nonsensical. The list goes on.

The fact that he is reminded of his feelings by the dopey grin on Oikawa's face and the way crumbs from his milk bread stick to his cheeks is the icing on the cake, not to mention plain fucking stupid.He rips his gaze away from the offending sight— because, really, he needs to get over it.

Oikawa has a date tonight, Hajime reminds himself. A date with a girl.

He thinks he might puke and tries to ignore that and push it down. He awkwardly sets his chopsticks down as he tries to compose himself.

"You okay, Iwaizumi?" Matsukawa asks, raising two bushy eyebrows in a way that makes Hajime want to sneer. 

"Why wouldn't I be?"Hajime snaps.

"You just seem like—" 

"You seem out of it," Hanamaki supplies.

"Yeah, that's it," Matsukawa agrees.

Hajime glances away from them, scowling. They're his friends, yes, and he knows that they're genuinely concerned— but he's not in the mood to deal with that right now.

Oikawa is looking at him curiously, now. He's searching for whatever it is that Matsukawa noticed in the first place. Hajime meets his gaze and tries to glare at him while simultaneously ignoring the horde of butterflies threatening to burst up through his esophagus.

"Oh, Iwa-chan" Oikawa nearly melodizes, using that stupid,  _stupid_ nick-name. "Is something distracting you?"He fake gasps before continuing, like it's something he's only just thought of. "Or is it _someone_? Don't tell me, Iwa-chan, you've got a crush!"

Hajime tries to deflect, too quickly. "Of course not. Shut up, Shittykawa."

It backfires, of course. Oikawa is too damn good at reading people in situations like this, and even if he weren't he knows Hajime too well for both of their own good.Hajime watches as his friend's expression morphs quickly into some half-fake, half-real smile. It freaks out Hajime that he's never seen that look on Oikawa's face before. Or maybe he has and he's just too fucking nervous to place it.

"Now you have to tell us who it is, Iwa-chan," Oikawa says.

This time, the feeling inside of him is less like butterflies and more like _I'm-going-to-throw-up-and-then-die_. The look on Oikawa's face is still freaking him out. He wonders briefly if Oikawa _knows_ and rubs his palms on his uniform pants and tries his best to ignore him.

"This is truly the mystery of the century," Hanamaki says, voice dripping with irony.

"It's too bad," Matsukawa says, somberly nodding at Hanamaki's words, "Oikawa is horrendous at Clue."

Hajime makes a mental note to clock both of them in the face this afternoon in the clubroom, but it's quickly forgotten. Oikawa _knows,_ now. Oikawa knows that Hajime likes someone and it's only a matter of time until he figures out that someone is _him_.That shitty guy is still looking at him expectantly. If Oikawa thinks Hajime is actually about to answer, he's an idiot on top of everything else Hajime has ever called him.

" _No._ " He says firmly, voice reminiscent of scolding a begging dog.

Predictably, Oikawa pouts.Hajime reminds himself that it's not cute.

"But, Iwa-chan," Oikawa whines — actually whines who does he think he is? — and says, "how am I supposed to help you come up with the perfect confessionif I don't know who it is?"

Matsukawa and Hanamaki are both physically holding back laughter at this point; Hanamaki with a hand covering his mouth, index finger pressed up to his nostrils, and Matsukawa smirking with his eyebrows more than his mouth.

" _Hell. No._ "

"Why not?" Oikawa asks.

Hajime glares at him. Even if this were a world in which Hajime was _not_ in love with Oikawa himself, there is no way he would want help from the guy when it comes to matters of romance. Oikawa is all talk, little action.Most of his girlfriends haven't even lasted a month.

"Don't you have your own love life to worry about?" Hajime replies, voice lower than he intends.

Instead of replying, Oikawa sits back in his seat, pushing his shoulders back slightly, eyes narrowing.

"You have that date tonight, remember?"

"You don't have to remind me, Iwa-chan,"Oikawa says.

There's none of the usual lightness in his voice or laughter in his face when Hajime looks at him.

*

After that incident, Oikawa becomes a new level of unbearable that Hajime did not know was humanly possible.Every single day, on their walk to school he asks Hajime if he's planned how he's going to confess. Most days Hajime just tells him to shut the fuck up, but sometimes he just scowls and ignores him. Neither strategy works; Oikawa keeps asking him. Some days are worse than others, his friend pestering him at lunch about how he should pick a confession present for a girl, or telling him that maybe he should try a better hairstyle on the day he finally confesses.

Hajime's amazed he hasn't snapped and hit him yet.He thinks that, if he were Catholic, he would be canonized for his patience— because he's been a fucking saint.

One night, before they split ways to go to their respective homes, Oikawa looks right at him with muted eyes and asks, "Why won't you tell me who it is?"

Hajime doesn't answer, but that's the nail in the coffin. He doesn't want to think about Oikawa's dismal expression.And He knows being in love with his best friend is probably a bigger betrayal than not telling him about some stupid crush. It's better if he just keeps thinking the latter is true. 

Oikawa doesn't bother him about it for awhile after that.

Until they're walking home from afternoon practice together about a week later. Hajime's hands are shoved into the pockets of his volleyball club zip-up, focused on not looking at Oikawa. It's the time of year that the sun starts setting when they get out of practice. Looking at Oikawa with the pink-orange light reflected in his eyes and shining off his hair is not something Hajime thinks he can survive.

"So," Oikawa says. Hajime can tell he's straining to sound casual, immediately hating that he knows this from a single word."How's progress with your secret crush?"

Hajime's heart drops at the broach of that particular topic.He thinks about Oikawa's eyes — no laughter or determination or fondness in them — the last time he asked.

When Hajime says nothing Oikawa continues. The way he's speaking is so unlike himself that Hajime can't help but pay more attention to how he's saying the words than to what he's actually saying.

"I know you think I'm making fun of you or something," Oikawa says, "but I'm not."

Hajime says nothing. Oikawa plows on. "I meant it. When I said I'd help you with the perfect confession."

"I'm not going to confess," Hajime says.

Oikawa hums for a moment before asking, "Why not?"

The question is hesitant and genuine. Hajime briefly wonders what happened to the Oikawa who would prod and poke at him trying to get any sort of reaction, any sort of admission that Iwaizumi Hajime does _indeed_ have feelings for someone. 

He might as well admit it when he says, "They could never like me back."

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa says, voice chastising. "Don't say things like that. I mean _sure_ , you're not very tall and you don't look like you know how to use a hairbrush, and I'm almost positive you've never used a hand moisturizer _in your life_. But you're—" Oikawa cuts his sentence short and stops walking.

Hajime stops a few paces in front of him, knits his brow, and looks him suspiciously.

" _I'm_ what?" Hajime prompts.

"Oh," Oikawa says, shaking his head slightly, bangs falling in his face. "I was just going to say you're not _completely_ hopeless."

"Gee," Hajime says, dryly. "Thanks for the glowing compliment."

"I just mean," Oikawa says, "what makes you so sure that this mystery girl doesn't like you back?"

Hajime wonders what he did in a past life for the universe to be this vindictive towards him.He audibly groans and brings his right hand to his hair, fingertips digging into his own scalp. 

"Well, it isn't a mystery _girl_ , okay, so can you please just drop it?"

The silence envelops them and it's all too quiet for a beat too long.  Hajime's heart lodges itself in his throat and the corners of his eyes are starting to sting. 

Oikawa says, "Oh."

There's another silence. Another moment where Hajime's left choking on his own heart.

"Well, Iwa-chan, I don't see how that explains why you think you have no chance. And, I'll even still help you if you change your mind about not confessing to whoever he is."

Oikawa is talking like normal, clearly over whatever shock he has just suffered at Hajime's words. Things are _normal_ between them.A sigh of relief escapes him and he thinks that maybe Oikawa isn't such a shitty guy, after all.

*

Oikawa is sitting on his bed, glasses on, tongue poking out from between his lips as he concentrates on his biology homework. The only sound in the room is their respective pencils scratching against paper. Hajime has to force himself to stop staring and focus on his own worksheet.

"So how are things going with—" Hajime starts, then stops.

"With what?" Oikawa asks, not looking up from his textbook.

"With that girl," Hajime chances.

As much as Hajime's trying to keep his own feelings under lock and key has kept him occupied, it's not like he's forgotten about that fact.The girl whose confession Oikawa actually accepted just two weeks ago.He hasn't forgotten, but it's not like thoughts about Oikawa going on dates with and kissing someone else have been plaguing him. Thoughts of Oikawa going on dates with and kissing someone else haven't been plaguing him. They haven't. They haven't.

"What girl?"Oikawa asks, not looking up from his homework.

"The one you went on that date with."

"Oh," Oikawa says.

He doesn't say anything else, though, so Hajime asks, "She break up with you?"

"There was nothing to break up, Iwa-chan, it was just one date."

"How awful were you on that date that she broke up with you immediately? That _has_ to be a new record."

Oikawa exhales and places his pencil down. He turns half-way where he's sitting on his bed to face Hajime. The deliberateness catches him off guard and he unintentionally holds his breath.

"What makes you so sure," Oikawa says pointedly, "that _she_ broke it off?"

Rarely is Oikawa the one that ends up upset at Hajime but he knows if he doesn't say the right thing— and _quickly_  — he's in deep shit.When Hajime is annoyed with Oikawa he'll usually just smack the back of his head or throw a volleyball at him, but the other upset is a different beast entirely.

He gulps and avoids meeting Oikawa's eye for a moment before he finally says, "I don't know, I just— you've never been the one to end things before."

"Have I ever actually _said that_ , Iwa-chan?"There's no whining or teasing in his tone when he says _Iwa-chan_ like there usually is, and this scares Hajime because he knows that he's said the wrong thing. 

His only choice is to backtrack. "I just meant," he starts, but he's never going to have a silver tongue, not like Oikawa, and his tone shifts without his permission to something accusatory, "Well, _you're_ the one who always complains that no one will ever love you whenever these things don't work out."

Instead of biting something nasty and malicious at Hajime, Oikawa presses a hand to his own face and mutters something under his breath. He leans back on the bed, head resting against the wall.Hajime isn't sure whether to be relieved or to keep waiting for Oikawa to lash out at him or draw away.

He doesn't expect Oikawa's eyebrows to pull together and for him to claim: "I've never said that."

Hajime narrows his eyes, twists so that now _he's_ the one cornering Oikawa because that's an out-right lie

"You said it just six weeks ago when _whatever her name was_ dumped your sorry ass."

Hajime knows very well that Oikawa's ex-girlfriend's name is Matsui Arisa — every time she was mentioned it was seared into his brain, an unfortunate side effect of being _in love_ with his goddamn best friend— but the less he appears to care about Oikawa's love life, the better.

Oikawa doesn't seem to be bothered by Hajime's assertion because he only says, "For the record, I broke up with _her_."

This doesn't make any sense to Hajime because "Then why were you so upset?"

He wonders if maybe he shouldn't have asked that out loud. He wonders if maybe there's an answer to this question that will shatter his heart irrevocably.

Oikawa lets out a quick breath through his nose. "It was unfair to them to keep doing things that weren't making me happy, I didn't like lying to them. And I always knew that volleyball would come first, that the team would come first, that—"he stops abruptly.

"What?"

"Nothing," Oikawa replies, too quickly. Too quickly. Something is wrong. Oikawa continues talking though, leaving no time for Hajime to ponder whatever it was that just happened. "My fangirls — _wonderful_ as they are — love the idea of dating a star sports player with great hair and skin but they don't realize what it's actually like. And, if I'm supposed to _stay_ a star sports player then I have to stay after practice, I have to put the team first. I can't just drop everything I've worked for because I've started dating someone." He sighs, picks his pencil back up, twirling it between two of his fingers."Besides, if I weren't so tall and didn't have such beautiful hair, I don't think they'd like me anyway.And I'm not interested in people who only want me for my looks."

Hajime snorts at that, "You should start working on your shitty personality then."

It's a joke because Hajime needs to remind himself that he isn't jealous of those fangirls.No matter what, Hajime cannot be jealous of the fact that they have a chance with Oikawa.He cannot be jealous of the fact that if Oikawa actually put effort into his relationships with the girls' whose confessions he accepted, that he might end up falling in love with them. 

"Iwa-chan, so rude,"Oikawa says, interrupting Hajime's thoughts."Here I am, all vulnerable and insecure and all you do is bully me."

"Oh, you think your problems are bad?" Hajime teases, "At least you aren't in love with your straight best friend."

Oikawa's head snaps up to look at Hajime and he realizes what he's just said out loud and—

"Shit— I mean— fuck— I—"Hajime starts and stops and starts and stops, oscillating between trying to come up with an excuse and knowing there's no saving himself from something like this.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa says, but Hajime has already hopped off his bed and is shoving his homework into his backpack. He cannot even look at him right now. 

"I should go," he manages to get out in a harried voice, pulling his bag over a shoulder, making his way to Oikawa's bedroom door as fast as he can without actually sprinting for it.

"Wait a second, Iwa-chan," Oikawa says but Hajime ignores him.

Heart pounding in his ears he makes it down the stairs and pulls his sneakers on, sloppily tying the laces as fast as he can manage. He doesn't even bother to zip up his jacket because Oikawa is behind him now.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa says, and it opens a laceration in his heart.

"I'm going home, okay? I—" Hajime pauses letting out a strangled breath, forcing his voice to be steady. "I _need_ to go home, okay. Don't follow me."

And he leaves.

*

At some level of consciousness, Hajime knows that he cannot avoid Oikawa forever. Avoiding him entirely is out of the question, of course, but Hajime doesn't think that minimizing his alone time with the guy he just accidentally professed his love to and then ran away from is a bad idea. Hajime tries to convince himself that perhaps there is a silver lining, perhaps this was the jump he needed to take so that he can start getting over it.

He leaves earlier than usual the next morning and manages to make it to school alone.He even manages to make it through practice and avoids Oikawa's sidelong glances whenever possible. It's hard because he still has to spike the ball, and it must be obvious to everyone that he's off his game. Even Kunimi is looking at him with a wrinkled brow and questioning eyes.

By the end of practice Hajime is wondering how his heart can keep contorting itself into ugly, painful positions every time Oikawa is so much as in his periphery, or speaking anywhere within earshot, or just generally existing close by.Hajime should have taken his feelings and buried them deep inside, taken them to the grave without a word because now they might actually be the death of him.

When lunch comes, Hanamaki turns his desk to face Hajime and starts talking to him about something their teacher said in class. Hajime doesn't say he wasn't paying attention, but he has a feeling Hanamaki knows and is trying to distract him. A few minutes later Oikawa strides into the room behind Matsukawa and Hajime's chest seizes until he forces himself to breathe and trains his eyes on his desk.

"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa greets, chipper as ever.

Hajime just stares at his food and grunts an acknowledgment. He can't look at Oikawa right now. He really fucking can't.

Matsukawa clears his throat and starts telling a story about something that happened in his class. Normally Hajime would have the energy to nod along and laugh at the right times or roll his eyes when Matsukawa inevitably says something stupid. 

Despite his best attempts to do the exact opposite, Hajime glances at Oikawa.He looks like he's actually very interested in Matsukawa's story and when Oikawa laughs— bright and full, light creeping into his eyes, chest vibrating— Hajime tries not to let his heartbeat stutter. Oikawa looks over and now Hajime's caught in the act of _staring_ at his best friend.

Hajime knows that this isn't the same as any time in the past that he's been caught staring because he can't just insult Oikawa and then both forget about it.Because now. Because now. Because now Oikawa knows the truth.  He doesn't tease Hajime like he normally would.What he does instead is far worse.

"So, Iwa-chan," Oikawa says, "I was thinking we could stop by that place that has the agedashi tofu you like so much after practice. It'll be my treat."

Instinctively, Hajime glares because _what the fuck_.If Oikawa thinks that agedashi tofu can trick Hajime into being alone with him so that they can talk about this, so that he can butter him up and let him down easy, then he has more than a volleyball in the back of his head coming for him.

Hajime feels sick to his stomach and it's only amplified by Oikawa fucking smiling at him. _Smiling_ at Hajime like he's a member of his fucking fan club. If Hajime's heart wasn't already shredded beyond salvageability, it is now.

Oikawa's eyes falter for a moment, and Hajime's sure if he were anyone else he would not have noticed. He says, tone still bright if a little more strained than previously, "Iwa-chan?"

Hajime grabs at Oikawa's arm, fingers digging in through the fabric of his uniform shirt. Ignoring the snickering coming from their fellow third-year teammates, he shoots upward, pulling Oikawa up with him.

Through gritted teeth, he says, "We need to talk."

Oikawa doesn't even protest, lets himself be dragged out of the classroom, waits until they're in the hallway to yank his arm out of Hajime's death grip. He rolls his shoulder backward a few times and Hajime's anger is cut with the worry that maybe he was too rough, maybe he actually hurt him.

But then Oikawa says, "Iwa-chan is acting like more of a caveman than usual,"and Hajime grits his teeth once more.

They round a corner and Hajime ducks into a stairwell that seems to be free of foot traffic at the moment. Oikawa moves to follow but a few girls spot him and start chattering excitedly. Hajime glares at him, arms folded across his chest, not listening to whatever it is the girls are saying.Oikawa flashes his smile at them and Hajime wonders if he even noticed when he used that smile on his so-called best friend just moments ago. One option makes him angry, the other breaks his heart.

"I'd love to hear that story—" Oikawa says, interrupting the one speaking. She's the shortest of the three and has long hair that cascades down her back.

(Instead of thinking about whether this is the type of girl his best friend might fall in love with someday, he forces himself to focus on how fucking angry he is.If he loses his anger now, he knows exactly where his emotions will take him, and he really doesn't want to seem pathetic and desperate and heartbroken, even though he's at least one if not all three of those things.)

"—but how about you girls catch me some other time? I need to have a really important conversation with our ace here," he gestures to Hajime who is still glaring, still standing there like some fight dog ready to attack. "it's important for the team, otherwise I'd love to talk with you all."

Oikawa turns to Hajime, his expression blank. He moves to sit on one of the steps and Hajime stands across from him, leaning against the wall, one sole of shoe pressed against it, arms still folded, eyes still daggers.

"What is it?" Oikawa asks.

"Let's start with the fact that you were talking to me like I'm one of them." He gestures in the direction of the girls who have just left. "And that needs to fucking stop."

Oikawa hums and then says,  "Is that why you're so angry?"

Hajime huffs. "Well, _yes_. I'm not some girl who wants to follow you around like a lost puppy, Oikawa."

Oikawa's brows draw together and his eyes search Hajime for a minute. Whatever he's looking for, Hajime isn't sure if he finds it. After a moment passes he sighs and licks his lips before he starts, "Iwa-chan, that's not what—"

"Really, Oikawa?" Hajime snaps, arms unfolding,pushing off the wall and taking a few steps closer. "Because at lunch today you were giving me that same horrible fake smile you use on them. What? Did you think that I wouldn't recognize it?" He can't stop talking, it seems, now that he's started.He keeps going. "And I honestly do not need fucking _tofu_ from you so you can try to let me down gently or whatever the fuck you're trying to do. I _know_ , okay? I know. You don't have to say it."

Oikawa licks his lips again, and says carefully, "Iwa-chan, you don't—"

"Just shut up, okay? Just listen to me, please." Hajime feels like he's spontaneously combusted into a cloud of smoke and anger and the ashes haven't settled."I don't need your pity tofu, Oikawa.  Oh, and, can you not say shit like, ' _it's important for the team_ ,' because I know that my shitty feelings— which I never asked for, by the way— got in the way this morning.Can't you just forget I ever said anything and let me get over it?"

Oikawa watches him silently with a contemplative expression.He's still shaking, incapable of sorting through all the emotions surging through him: anger and heartbreak and nerves and (the worst one) love. 

Oikawa exhales and says, "I'm sorry, Hajime, but I don't think I can."

Hajime sucks in a breath at Oikawa's use of his given name. Who the hell does that shitty guy think he is? He might be about to say something else, but Hajime doesn't want to stick around to hear it.For the second time in less than twenty-four hours, he feels like he might cry, can feel the tears threatening to prick through. The last thing Hajime needs is for Oikawa to see him fucking crying.

"I'll see you at practice," he throws over his shoulder as he walks away, forcing his voice to sound angry rather than broken.

*

At practice that afternoon, Hajime intentionally joins Yahaba for the three-on-three. He tries to ignore how betrayed Oikawa looks, how sad Matsukawa and Hanamaki look, and how confused everyone else in the room looks.Hajime hates himself for acting like a petulant child, knows that there's a possibility he's actually just making things so much worse, but he doesn't know what else he can do except avoid Oikawa until his chest no longer burns.

He's off again, even more-so than this morning, and he swears at himself. What kind of an ace lets his emotions distract him on the court?He wonders if he'll ever be able to separate his feelings for Oikawa from volleyball. _You can't let this affect the team_ , he reminds himself.

 _I won't_ , he assures himself, _I won't let this hurt the team_.    _I won't let this hurt the team_. 

He repeats those seven words in his head until it becomes rhythmic, an internal chant, branding itself in his thoughts.His playing improves slightly throughout practice, he thinks that maybe getting over Oikawa won't be as hard as he thought.

Still, he needs time. He needs time so that he can remember Oikawa Tooru is his best friend first, teammate second, captain third, and at the very bottom of the list his first love, unrequited as it is. When the wounds aren't so raw, when the gashes fade to scars— the scars will be permanent, he realizes— things can return to normal between them.

He keeps his eyes trained on the ball on the other side of the court.When Oikawa goes to set it he falters, landing badly on his knee. His leg doesn't give out and he doesn't fall to the ground but his face crumples, and he shifts to his weight off it.

"Oikawa, do you need to sit out?" he asks through the net.

"No, I'm fine," he says but he grimaces as he shifts to center his weight between his feet again.

Hajime ducks under the net because Oikawa is in pain, he is hurting, and that's far more important than Hajime's emotional wounds. Oikawa is his best friend, first. Nothing will change that, not ever.

"Idiot," Hajime mumbles, just loud enough for Oikawa to hear him, as he pulls Oikawas arm over his own shoulders. "Come on."

He helps Oikawa over to where the coaches and managers are sitting and he helps.As he undoes Oikawa's brace himself and starts rewrapping it, he chides Oikawa _Did you even put this on tight enough today, Idiotkawa?_ and he forgets his own heart until Oikawa interrupts his mumbling curses and scoldings.

"Iwa-chan."

Hajime looks up with just his eyes, still bent over Oikawa's knee.Chocolate brown eyes twinkle, easy and unguarded.There's a small smile playing at Oikawa's lips. Hajime's breath catches in his throat and the horde of butterflies returns threatening to split him open from the inside.

It's unfair of Oikawa, really, now that he knows that Hajime is in love with him.

"I'm _fine_ , really," Oikawa assures him.

There's a beat where everything is still between them, and Hajime even forgets that they're in the gym, that practice is still going on around them. Hajime pulls his hand back from Oikawa's knee like he's been burned because maybe Oikawa doesn't _want_ Hajime helping him now that he knows.He doesn't insist on helping Oikawa like he usually would. He straightens his back, standing up.

Before he can turn to join whatever is still happening on the court behind them, Oikawa says, "Let's walk home together after practice."

Hajime briefly thinks of walking by himself this morning. How quiet it had been, how lonely. Still, he's not sure that being alone with Oikawa today is really something his heart is ready to handle.

"Maybe," he says.

*

He ends up waiting, leaning against his locker in the clubroom, the book he has to finish for literature class open in his hands, because maybe if he has something else to concentrate on he'll stop thinking so much about Oikawa. Oikawa seems to be standing and walking normally when he finally appears, toweling his hair off. Hajime glances briefly at his friend's knee and then his feet. His weight is mostly on his good leg.

Hajime sighs, "It's not like your knee to give out during practice. What happened?"

Oikawa doesn't say anything, shrugs and looks into his locker, grabbing stuff and shoving things into his bag, putting other things from his bag into his locker.

"Oikawa," Hajime says. "It's because you've been staying late like every day the last two weeks, isn't it?"

Oikawa shifts so that all of his weight is on his good leg, the toe of his opposite foot resting on the floor of the clubroom. He pushes his locker door shut and then shrugs his bag over a shoulder.

"I don't want to talk about my knee, Iwa-chan," he says.

Hajime hums for a moment, but he knows better than to push when Oikawa is moody like this. They leave the clubroom in silence, beginning to walk in the direction of the front entrance to Aoba Johsai's campus. Hajime is thankful that this silence is as comfortable as any between them. Nothing's changed, and even if that makes a part of his chest pang, he knows that he'll get past it. Oikawa is his best friend, first. Nothing will change that, not ever.

"Do you want to sit for a minute?"  he asks when he notices Oikawa limping.

Oikawa shakes his head, but Hajime is already leading him by the wrist to sit down on one of the black metal benches beneath the cherry trees in the schoolyard. This time of year the branches are bare, dusted with snow. The once comfortable silence weighs heavy now, as they sit next to each other.

Hajime sighs, audibly, and says, "Look, Oikawa.I'm sorry."

There's a silence before Oikawa asks, "For what?"

"For everything, I guess," Hajime says.He wants to leave it at that but Oikawa's eyes are wide and studying him. He knows Oikawa is debating whether to push Hajime and Hajime almost wants him to, but he looks away.

"I didn't mean what I said yesterday," he says looking at his hands in his lap. "Well, I guess, I just didn't mean to _say_ it. Not like that." He pauses and breathes and doesn't look at Oikawa because if he does he may never get these words out. "I wasn't going to ever say it. I'm sorry I did. I'm sorry I've gone and made things awful when I know you could never feel the same." He looks up, finally. "And I'm sorry for running away after I said it, and for leaving without you this morning, and for getting angry at you during lunch."  His breathing is unsteady, a lump forming in his throat."It's just—" He lets out a sigh. "I feel _so much_ around you, all the time, and I—" He inhales. "I'll get over it. I will. I just— I need _time_ and I need space, and that's why I avoided you most of today. I'm sorry."

There's a softness in his eyes remind Hajime of why he should never look at Oikawa when the sun is setting.Now that he's said everything, apologized for being a complete asshole to his best friend all day, he lets himself acknowledge that Oikawa Tooru is beautiful. It is an objective fact, Hajime thinks, as proven as the laws of motion.Hajime knows that eventually when all this is over— when he's over Oikawa Tooru— he still will never think anyone is even close to that beautiful.

"Hajime," Oikawa says, voice soft, and Hajime's breath hitches in his throat, "it's okay _._ "

And Oikawa Tooru is not a shitty guy. Oikawa Tooru is not a shitty guy. Oikawa Tooru is not a shitty guy, and he never was. Hajime almost voices that thought out loud, but before he can open his mouth, a bright, high-pitched, honeyed voice calls out, "Oikawa-san!"

Hajime and Oikawa both look in the direction of the voice.Its owner is one of Oikawa's fangirls, the girl who cornered him with her friends during lunch before Hajime had ranted at Oikawa for being awful. The memory of it paints Hajime in guilt.

The girl stands in front of them, pink dusting her cheeks, and Hajime knows it's not just the cold.She's holding a pink envelope between hands clad with knitted mittens of a color that matches the skirt of the girls' uniform. In the past, he would have felt something ugly churning in his gut but now he just feels empathetic, even as his own heart sinks in his chest.

"I thought maybe I'd missed you after your practice but—" she pauses and looks down at her own feet.

Oikawa is smiling, his fangirl smile. "Ah, well, here I am."

"I was hoping to speak to you uh—" She glances at Hajime, and then back at Oikawa, back at her own feet. "alone."

Normally, Oikawa would excuse himself and walk somewhere out of earshot with the girl. Instead, he looks at Hajime as if asking for him to say something. The girl also looks at Hajime but her expression is just plain nervous.Hajime isn't that selfish, or at least he doesn't think he is. He stands up and motions for the girl to sit in his place.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning," he says to Oikawa, whose mouth is half-open,expression mildly confused, partly something that Hajime would rather ignore right now.

He manages to ignore the sour feeling in his stomach until he reaches the edge of the school's grounds. It's completely dark now, as he walks home alone and he wonders what the girl will say to Oikawa, what the letter in the pink envelope says, what Oikawa will say to her, whether he'll accept her feelings.

Before now, if someone had asked Hajime why he never liked the girls who screamed Oikawa's name at games, he would explain that they were troublesome and inconvenient.That's still the truth, he thinks, albeit for a different reason.Before he would have claimed that they made Oikawa late for practice, sometimes even for warmups before games, and they loved to monopolize time that Oikawa did not actually have.  That's still the truth, but Hajime can admit there's more. 

Now he can admit that he's jealous. He's jealous because they actually have a chance. Oikawa, if he ever found a girl he really liked, would make time for her. He wouldn't use volleyball as an excuse to not spend time with her. Maybe he'd even fall in love with her.He wonders if the girl from this evening is that girl.  

He can think of how he's jealous because there are always girls brave enough to confess to Oikawa, even when they don't know all of the embarrassing things about him. Embarrassing things like how he still has an alien print comforter on his bed, how he drools onto his pillow in his sleep, how his glasses look when they're crooked on his face after laying on his side while wearing them while watching a movie on the couch, how he always pouts and whines when he doesn't get what he wants.  While Hajime's at it, he can think of how he finds all these embarrassing things rather endearing.

*

No one is home when he gets back, and he sees a note stuck on the countertop with his name on it. In his mother's handwriting, it tells him that she's out with his aunt while his father is staying late at work, and there's a plate in the fridge for him to heat up.He's almost always starving after practice, but with all the gymnastics his stomach and his heart and his lungs have been doing today he doesn't really find the desire to eat.

He heads upstairs to his room in the dark, the only lights coming from the night lights his mother insists on keeping plugged in by the stairs and in the upstairs hallway.For a few minutes, he lays in the dark of his room, watching the ceiling and trying to keep his mind blank. When that doesn't work, when he can't stop thinking about his first name sounding on Oikawa's tongue, soft and gentle, he groans and gets up to flip on the light switch.

If there's anything that will keep his mind occupied, Iwaizumi figures it's struggling to solve derivatives of functions, so he pulls out his math textbook, some blank sheets of paper and a pencil. He struggles with one problem for about ten minutes before realizing he made a simple algebra mistake in one of the first steps so he erases everything and starts over.

He's made a good amount of headway on his math homework when there's a knock at the door.

He shoves the loose pieces of paper into the book, leaving the edges hanging out so that he can easily find the page when he comes back up to his room to finish it.He's halfway down the stairs when whoever is at the door has decided they've waited long enough and it swings open, Hajime belatedly realizing he left it unlocked behind him.

Oikawa steps into his house.

"Oikawa," he says, knitting his brow, not sure what to make of the sudden intrusion.

What is Oikawa doing here? Hajime thinks of the girl with the mittens and the pink envelope and he feels sick once more. He wonders if Oikawa accepted her confession and is here to break the news. Hajime can already imagine the conversation, it's taking place in his mind without permission, _Iwa-chan I wanted to tell you first because…_

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa greets, casually, as if he hadn't just let himself into Hajime's house without warning. Hajime blinks, his thoughts stopping in their tracks. "I need to talk to you."

"Well, you've already let yourself in," Hajime gestures at his friend.

He descends the rest of the flight of stairs, reaching around Oikawa to push the front door closed.He forces himself not to linger too close, too long, pulling his arm back into himself as soon as the door is firmly shut. He turns and heads into the living room. He might as well be sitting, he figures, when his heart is broken for the third time in twenty-four hours.

They sit across from each other, in silence, until Hajime finally says, voice schooled, eyes avoiding Oikawa's, "You said you wanted to talk."

Oikawa clears his throat and then says, "What you said last night." He pauses, inhales, and then asks, "You love me?"

Hajime looks at the table and only manages to nod his head, not trusting his voice to not betray him right now.

"You're in love with me?" Oikawa asks like he's trying to clarify.

Again, Hajime nods, but this time he speaks, looking up at Oikawa. "I'll ge—"

Oikawa lets out a puff of breath through his nostrils and says, "Don't say you'll get over it. I listened to you when you asked so, Hajime, can you please be quiet and listen to me this time?"

Hajime blinks but says nothing, Oikawa seems to take his silence as agreement because he reaches across the coffee table and hooks his finger's into Hajime's.

"I love you, Hajime," Oikawa says, "I love you, too."

Hajime can feel the tips of his ears and his cheeks heating up and he's sure he's flushing a ridiculous shade of pink. Oikawa's cheeks are turning pink, too, even as he squeezes Hajime's fingers in his own.

"But you—" Hajime says, eyebrows furrowing as he tries to wrap his mind around Oikawa's words. "But you like girls."

Oikawa lets go of Hajime's hands letting them drop on the coffee table.He crawls over to Hajime's side, presses tips of cold fingers to his cheek, and kisses him.Oikawa's lips are soft but the kiss is really nothing like Hajime imagined beyond that. It's awkward and their noses bump at first, and before it even really starts it's over because Oikawa pulls back, face beet red, breaths shallow,fingers dropping from Hajime's cheek.

 _Nervous._ Hajime's brain supplies for him. _Oikawa is nervous._

Hajime still hasn't fully caught up with what's happening, feels slightly dazed, like he's walking through a dream. He moves on instinct, answering a question that hasn't quite been asked. He presses his hand on top of Oikawa's, resting on the floor and he surges forward, his other hand grabbing Oikawa's shoulder, and when they kiss their teeth accidentally clang together so it isn't perfect, except that it is because he's kissing Oikawa.

He laughs against Oikawa's mouth before nipping at his bottom lip, causing Oikawa to gasp. Their mouths melt into each other, messily and sloppily, and it isn't perfect except that it is because he's kissing Oikawa.Oikawa pulls back before Hajime is ready to let go, and he bites at his lip and avoids Hajime's eyes.

"I want to hear you say it," Oikawa says, lips still puffy from their kissing each other, cheeks tinted pink like he's embarrassed about the words he's saying. "Properly, this time."

Hajime doesn't ask what he means, just says, "I love you."And because he's been holding it back for so long he says it again, "I love you, Oikawa."

"Tooru.I want you to call me Tooru."

Hajime smiles, wraps an arm around his waist and kisses him again before pulling him into an embrace. 

"I love you, Tooru," he whispers.

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it through this thing ily.
> 
> title is from the song [best light by elliot moss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br8S9j5rQPY)


End file.
